Well, today is a hard day for me. And it really shouldn’t be. Today is Tim’s 30th Birthday. I should be happy and joyous but instead I am sad and over emotional. Of course, it all stems from my infertility. Today is a day where I feel like a failure. Basically another cycle is almost done and over with and the end of this cycle marks our 1 year of TTC. My EDD is in less than a month – My belly should be huge, I should have the nursery ready, I should be about to leave work and I would have already had a shower. But instead my belly is flat & empty, the room is still Snugs room, I am at crappy work and no shower in my name.

While I am happy in a way that my Progesterone is finally where it’s supposed to be it’s hard knowing that this cycle mostly will not end on a positive note.

I have tons of emotions and lots of questions. Why us? What did we do? Why can’t we have a positive experience with this?  I feel like everyone tries for 3 months or less and bam pregnant!! Happy times and happy experiences for them. We are over the 1 year mark now and alls I have to show is a  miscarriage and lots of months of trying our hardest. We just fail. I just feel like the innocence and joy of TTC has been ripped away from us – we will never never have known that feeling. I hate that I have to use Fertility Med’s – the natural aspect has been taken away as well. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair. We are good people – we would make great parents.  I just don’t understand why. We have been patient (for the most part) and am doing everything right.

I’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. It’s hard seeing everyone else have what I want and them getting it so easily.

Happy 30th Birthday to my wonderful husband who has been my rock during this journey. We will get through this together. I hope you have a wonderful day and we have many happy & joyous days ahead of us. I love you with all my aching heart.

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